The Butterflies Are A Lie

When I am on my way home from anywhere, be it work, a social event, a walk by the Brisbane River, I know what I am coming home to. I am coming home to a sense of comfort, a feeling of peace, and ultimately, an environment that is safe; both physically and emotionally. This environment is my expectation, it is what I know, and therefore it provides a huge comfort after what may have been an uneventful or incredibly stressful day. The consistency helps me survive the world. It’s a reset. Returning to safety, to comfort and familiarity, better able to show up and confront whatever then next day brings.

Familiarity is something that governs our lives in one way or another. It is a place or a person we gravitate toward when we feel uncomfortable or challenged. It’s a situation that we know and understand, and have the skills to navigate and deal with.

Familiarity can definitely feel like comfort. However, Familiarity does NOT always equal safety. I am someone who, out of necessity, has become hyper-independent. Out of consideration to myself and others, I require myself to cope with my own life experience in a way that is healthy to me, and preserves the relationships I have with the people I love most. It’s not always comfortable, and it’s had its terrifying moments, but in the course of becoming this way I’ve developed something of a skill to take a step back and examine the way my body responds to a situation or experience, and to try and logically decide WHY I feel the way I feel. It’s been an interesting lesson in observation. I’ve gained greater insight into my personal and generational history, and it’s allowed me to take a peek into others individual, and also societal behaviour.

The world as a collective behaves, responds and moves through the world in much the same way as I do, simply because I am a part of it and have been influenced in the same ways we all have, and in the many ways we've influenced each other. So, it’s easy to draw parallels and hypothesis on why people say and do the things they do. It’s also easier to understand how outside influences can change behaviour in subtle and more obvious ways. A shift in the air here, a huge push in drama over there… we bend and sway like palm trees in a storm, influenced by what is going on around us and what we are seeing and hearing at all times.

Trying to decipher truth from lies, opinion from fact is a tricky one. We have so many people shouting through our screens, demanding recognition and belief in their cause. Being offended and yelling, ‘I’m right, believe my opinion.’ It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes from Ricky Gervais, who says, ‘Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.’

But I digress. It’s time to zoom back in.

I want to take a step back here and start at a point where I feel I have benefited the most. I think perhaps some readers might take something away from it as well. Some may be offended, and that’s okay too. We are all entitled to our opinions. What I am talking about is my experience, and my interpretation of it.

This is about understanding the way I respond to others, in whatever the capacity of our relationship may be. This could be friends, suitors, relatives, work colleagues, a sports team I may be on, a writing group I am part of. Relationships extend to any and every soul we come into contact with. The degree of connection varies, however brief the interaction, but it is always there.

I’ve had a chequered past when it comes to what constitutes a healthy relationship. My perception of them has been monumentally skewed from my very first breath. Growing up in an abusive household that seemed peachy from the outside was a confusing experience. I was not taught in a traditional sense of what a healthy relationship was. It affected the way I interacted with kids at school and influenced the way I responded to any and every situation. It taught me to fear everything, and that I couldn’t speak up for myself without impressive repercussions. It stole my voice for a long, long time. That first instruction on what relationships were, went on to influence how I selected romantic partners, the jobs I took, the kinds of people I trusted and who I allowed into my inner circle. Those decisions were made from a sense of familiarity. I understood them, I knew how to deal with them. I repeated the punishing cycle over and over.

You know the old saying by Rita Mae Brown? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. (Sudden Death – 1983)

I performed insanity over and over. My understanding of what love was and how I deserved to be treated left me feeling like a victim continually. And I was a victim, to a certain extent. A victim to others entitlement to treat me like rubbish, a victim to who felt they had access to my body, and a victim to those who thought the perpetrator couldn’t possibly be capable of such things. A victim of the ongoing repetition of the relationship patterns I was familiar with.

I can’t completely claim I have no responsibility in this at all though. I had ample opportunity to walk away from these situations and people. I had warnings from loved ones who constantly questioned my decisions. Those saying – this is not a good choice, do you really think this is a good idea? I ignored every single one of them. Why? Because it felt NORMAL to me. This was my normal. This was my comfort zone, even if it wasn’t a safe one. I chose to stay in it because I felt comfortable and because it was familiar. Toxicity was something I understood and thought I knew how to navigate. I chose to be the victim.

I used to be excited when I’d meet a new person and I’d get that dangerous thrill up my spine. I’d feel the butterflies in my stomach, that unsettling nervousness and I’d lean in. I’d ache to be around the person; be it a friend or a lover. To believe I might finally be the in a situation where I would be wholly loved, understood and appreciated. The love bombing would start, and I’d be sucked into the rip once again and swept out to sea. The cycle would start over again.

The butterflies, to me, are always a lie now. I see and understand it in a way that I never did as an inexperienced young woman. The sensation in my gut is not the fluttering of butterfly wings, it’s the ferocious flapping of a million red flags screaming at me to stop and walk away. It’s my subconscious and my body physically responding to danger, every cell of my body recognising the same unhealthy patterns, picking up on the tiniest of signals. Things I never used to see until it was far too late, and I was knee deep in quicksand, wondering why the person I cared about was pushing down on my shoulders. I’m attracted to the familiarity, not to something that is good and wholesome, and there is a big difference.

The butterflies are a false hope. That giddy feeling is me repeating a process with a hope I will feel loved, understood and safe around a person who will never, ever demonstrate those kinds of behaviours. It is my heart fighting with my mind, trying to convince it that maybe this time it will be different.

It never is.

I’ve felt this way about jobs. I’ve felt this way in social situations. These days I recognise that feeling for what it is. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is.

The sad thing is, if you are someone like me and you’re NOT the kind of person who likes to hurt others feelings… you might decide to stay. You might think, I’ll just hang on a little longer until I can extricate myself without hurting the other persons feelings, reputation or career. We do this because we still have hope. Hope that they might care about not causing that hurt to ourselves or others. I have some more sad news for you. They. Do. Not. Care.

They just don’t.

Once you’re out of their life, they will find the next person to latch onto. They have patterns, as do we. The trick is to recognise what your body is telling you before you hold hands with the darkness and leap off the bridge into an existence of miserable oblivion.

We as a species need each other. We need love, and connection. We need a confidant we can trust. We need to express ourselves in a safe space. It can be tough to learn that what you thought was a safe space, really isn’t. Betrayal will always be painful. It can show its way in n forms, whether it’s on a personal, professional or societal level. If there’s one thing I’ve learned is that there are people who don't care about who they hurt. It's an unfortunate reality of being a human being.

When I feel those butterflies, that excitement, it’s a warning to me. What am I hoping will be the outcome… and what is the actual reality? Why does my body recognise before my brain does that something is off, something is wrong? It’s then that I take a mental step back and take a closer look. With in a few minutes I can usually put my finger on it. The light bulb turns on.

There it is. That’s the red flag my body can feel.

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. And if I continue to lean in after I’ve seen that flag waving, I inevitably am treated to the same lesson again. Maybe its packaged differently. But the universe ultimately whacks me on the head with a stick, over and over… will you understand this time?

You body keeps the score. It is your barometer. Listen to your gut. Trust your intuition. If something feels off, then it usually is. All of these sayings, there is a reason they exist.

Please remember that you do not owe anyone anything. Mistreatment cannot be cancelled out by a large spend or any kind of favour. Don't let anyone keep you down either. My favourite saying to myself is, ‘If you always think you’re a victim, you will always be a victim.’ It's up to me to choose the direction I walk in. I try my best to be honest with myself about the rooms I’ve decided to stay in. And I only have myself to lecture for not walking out and closing the door. When I finally do it, the question I always ask myself is, ‘Why did I wait this long?’ Accountability is key, and it applies to myself as much as it does the other party.

I understand that every person’s situation is different. I am discussing my own experience. I have been in situations I’ve had no control of. Others have chosen to treat me in ways I would never even consider putting another person, or animal through. This short reflection is the mere first sentence of a much, much larger conversation. It is a conversation that very much needs to be had. Things don’t need to be the way they are, just because it’s the way it’s always been. We don't need to be arguing amongst ourselves, always living in the heat of the moment. We immerse ourselves in conflict at such a personal level without thinking to take that step back and really look. To ask why. To say, I won’t allow this, and I’m not going to entertain this any longer.

We can choose to look at this through a microscope, or from the vantage point of a satellite in orbit. The picture is the same no matter where you look. And it starts with us. It starts with me. It starts with you. Comfort and familiarity are an illusion when safety is not promised or guaranteed. We can be our own worst enemies or our most powerful saviours.

Be your own hero. You’ve got this.